God Dammit, Pikachu!
by Fire Burning
Summary: This is a phrase that any person over the age of ten playing Hey You! Pikachu cannot deny thinking at least once during their adventures with the annoying yellow rat. Rated for obvious mild language.
1. Intro

_God Dammit, Pikachu!_

This is a phrase that any person over the age of ten playing _Hey You! Pikachu_ cannot deny thinking at least once during their adventures with this annoying yellow rat.

**Rated K+ for mild ****language.**

* * *

><p>Have you ever played the game Hey You! Pikachu? If you haven't, you're about to be introduced to a world where your patience will be tested on a minute-to-minute basis. Herein you shall find the adventures of Julie and Vicki, two very real sisters who have resurrected their Nintendo64 to share with you the various (and frequent) annoying things Pikachu does. Enjoy.<p> 


	2. Balloon

Today, my sister and I decided that we were going to send a balloon up to the sky.

"This is seriously going to work," I insisted as my sister guided the player over to the balloon collection on the side of the house. "I did it once. You just have to wait until the balloon expands all the way and then tell Pikachu to throw it."

"All right," she said, grabbing one of the balloons there and heads back over to Pikachu.

"There's just one problem."

"What?" my sister asked as she handed Pikachu the balloon, which started growing larger while Pikachu held it.

"This."

Right on cue, Pikachu tried to smell the balloon. The balloon imploded in a puff of smoke. Wide-eyed, Pikachu began coughing.

"The trick is to pray to every god there is that Pikachu asks you what to do with it," I add as Vicki makes the player character go off to get another balloon.

Take two—Pikachu blows it up by eating it. Take three—Pikachu tries to eat it again. Take four—Pikachu asks us what it is, which gives us hope that Pikachu might not smell/eat it. No such luck. Take five—Pikachu throws it, but the balloon isn't fully inflated so it just dissolves into nothing. Take six—Pikachu blows it up again. Take seven—Pikachu blows it up AGAIN. As my sister and I watch our last balloon explode, Pikachu skips off happily to demolish our garden, smelling every onion it gets its paws on and electrocuting everything else.

"God dammit, Pikachu…you just killed ALL of our balloons!" I scream into the microphone.

"Pi ka chu!" Pikachu proudly replies, narrowing its eyes and putting its hands on its hips.


	3. Good Morning

On our seventy-fifth day with Pikachu, when we "woke up," Pikachu was waiting for us to say something. My sister said "good morning." Pikachu responded by using thunderbolt on us. Then he walked away, looking royally pissed off.

We weren't really sure _what_ to say with _this_ instance...


	4. Ball

Today, before we leave for our latest adventure, we're out in the front yard seeing if we can help Pikachu learn to control its compulsive need to destroy any and all of our possessions upon touching them. We're experimenting with the beach ball. Standing at the edge of our very full garden, it grabs the beach ball and stares at it curiously.

_PIKACHU is looking at the BALL_,a message at the top of the screen tells us, just in case we weren't able to tell that already.

"Throw it," Vicki says with particular emphasis on the word "throw."

Pikachu hesitates at first, but it complies. "Pi_ka_chu!" it chirps as it makes the throwing motion. Defying all the laws of physics, the ball flies _backwards_, crashing into about eight of our vegetables and causing those ones it hit to go flying into others. The catastrophe comes to its grand finale with at least six items, including the beach ball, dissolving into nothing.

Not even the phrase "God dammit, Pikachu" can give voice to the trauma of this event.


	5. Gloom

We head off to Springleaf Field. We're aiming to evolve some Gloom today. Not even thirty seconds into our search, we find one. It's a pretty big one, so there's a good chance it'll evolve. We ready ourselves to evolve it by taking out the watering can and dropping it on the ground in front of the character for easy access.

Little do we know, this small task will turn out to be the most irritating adventure we've had. Ever.

"Gloom!" Vicki chirps into the microphone. "Pikachu wants to talk to you" marks appear on the sides of the screen. "Gloom!" Vicki exclaims again, putting the cursor on the buried Pokémon.

Pikachu turns around. A lightbulb appears over its head and it starts running towards the Gloom. "Yes! Good Pikachu!" Vicki chirps. She turns to me. "Julie! It listened!"

I glance up just in time to see Pikachu blow right past the Gloom. "Um…Vicki?"

Vicki turns back to the screen. Her happy expression completely falls. Pikachu is holding up one of the many banes of our existences—a strawberry. Pikachu loves strawberries, as well as anything yellow. It likes to parade them around for-freaking-ever. "No! _Noooooo!_" Vicki screams into the microphone, but it's too late. With a happy squeak of "Pikachu!" it begins skipping around holding the strawberry, saying its name every two seconds.

"No! Pikachu! _Gloom_!" Vicki insists.

A message appears at the top of the screen: _PIKACHU is focused on the STRAWBERRY_. This message is the second bane of our existences.

"_**Gloom!**_"

_PIKACHU is focused on the STRAWBERRY_.

"_**GLOOM!**_"

_PIKACHU is focused on the STRAWBERRY_.

I snatch the microphone from her. "For heaven's sake, Pikachu! Gloom!"

_PIKACHU is focused on the STRAWBERRY_.

Having exhausted all of her patience with the yellow rat, Vicki is forced to resort to desperate measures. It's time for "The Tone." She grabs the microphone from me. "Gloom," she says in a sickeningly sweet voice.

Pikachu gets a lightbulb over its head. It nods a few thousand times and finally, _finally_, eats the god-forsaken strawberry. "Pikaaaa!" it squeals with weird stars in its eyes.

"Yes, yes, that's lovely," I tell the TV screen. "Now get the stupid Gloom."

"Gloom!" Vicki says into the microphone, still using "The Tone."

Pikachu turns around and gets another lightbulb over its head. It starts running for the Gloom. It stops beside it and bends down.

"Yes!" Vicki and I both shout.

Pikachu turns around. It is holding…another strawberry.

"_Noooooooooo!_" we yell angrily.

The same process as with the first strawberry takes place, although Pikachu fell asleep in the middle of it. We had to wake it up and go through the whole thing again to get it to eat this second strawberry. Finally, it does.

"Gloom!" Vicki exclaims, far past the point of caring what tone of voice she uses.

Pikachu runs off and grabs an apple. It proudly asks us what it is.

"Definitely _not_ Gloom!" I tell it. It shakes its head at me with an expression as close to "you're an idiot" as N64 graphics could get. "Pardon me? _Who's_ the idiot here?"

Vicki takes the microphone away before I can do any lasting damage to the system or myself. "Maybe the cursor's on the wrong thing," she suggests. She carefully moves to another side of the Gloom, giving it an extremely wide berth. Don't want our bipolar Pokémon friend to throw a fit if we step on the stupid plant. Said bipolar Pokémon stays where it is, not even five Pikachu-steps from the Gloom it _still_ hasn't noticed.

"Pika!" Pikachu suddenly calls us. It jumps up and down to get our attention before it turns around and does that weird digging motion it does when it's getting out something, like that notepad it uses on picnics. It holds up a magnet. "Piiiiiikaaaa!" it exclaims, clearly proud of itself.

Pikachu's too close to the Gloom to go near it. We wait for it to shut up and come give us the stupid magnet so we can all get on with our lives. It doesn't. It just keeps calling and calling. "Piiiiiikaaaa! … Piiiiiikaaaa! … Piiiiiikaaaa!"

"Over here," Vicki calls at least six times. It doesn't work. There's no choice but to go near Gloom.

Basically, we're forced to risk our objective for this entire trip to get Pikachu's stupid magnet. "God dammit, Pikachu!" I curse at it as Vicki slowly edges closer to Pikachu and therefore to Gloom. Thankfully, it's _just_ far enough away that we don't disturb it. Pikachu happily hands us the magnet and nods self-righteously another few thousand times. Apparently it thinks that forcing us to come to it was the right thing to do. I don't know what kind of intelligence the game creators intended to give it, but clearly something went wrong.

At that point, we hear the most awful sound you can hear in that game when you have an unfinished task you _really_ want done: a weird birdcall. A message from Professor Oak pops up on the screen saying that it is almost evening and therefore it will be time to go home soon.

"You wasted our morning!" I yell at the TV screen. "God dammit, Pikachu!"

"We still have time!" Vicki reminds me. She hurriedly yells into the microphone, "Gloom!" and points at the accursed plant.

Pikachu turns.

Pikachu sniffs the air.

And Pikachu runs up to the suspicious Gloom-plant, shaking it and declaring it to be a real Gloom.

Vicki and I are, understandably, very excited. "Gloooooooooooom!" we literally scream triumphantly, which is a very normal reaction coming from us. Vicki makes the character hand the watering can to Pikachu. Pikachu waddles over and awkwardly stabs the spout of the can into Gloom's side to water it. It's the moment of truth. Would our extraordinary efforts to get Pikachu to this Gloom be in vain?

They are not! The Gloom rises up with a "Gloom gloom!" and evolves by glowing yellow-orange, shrinking itself, and then expanding into a truly massive flower-thing. "Pika pika chu!" Pikachu trills, jumping up and down.

"Let's find another fast before Professor Oak comes to get us!" I tell Vicki, gesturing for her to run off into the wilderness.

"Okay!" Vicki declares. But wait. Pikachu hasn't handed back the sacred watering can yet. It takes an extremely long time for Pikachu to explain to us that it can be used to water forty-nine more times and hand us back the stupid can with another series of satisfied nods. "Go, go!" I cheer. The character takes a step forward.

Professor Oak's picture pops up. _Did you have a good trip?_ the accompanying message asks us.

Day 70-something is over. Pikachu has wasted our whole trip with one…single…Gloom.

"_**GOD DAMMIT, PIKACHU!**_" I yell at the screen and very maturely throw a handful of popcorn at it.


	6. Professor Oak

Day way-too-many with Pikachu comes to an unexciting end, and, as usual, we're greeted by the shining visage of Professor Oak. While he pops up to ask us about our trip, a thought suddenly comes to me.

"Dude...Professor Oak is supposed to be a super famous researcher, right?"

Vicki nods, rapidly clicking through Pikachu's mandatory rejoicing over every single item we collected. "Yup."

"So, logically, he should have lots of work to do, right?"

"Uh-huh."

I frown. "And this kid we're playing as, he can't be older than ten."

Vicki turns to look at me oddly, apparently not liking where this was going. "Um...yeah..."

I gesture at the newest comment from Professor Oak that just popped up. "Right, so why is Professor Oak following this small child everywhere? He's _always_ there with his random pop-up messages. He, like, _never_ leaves! Every day he drags us off into various secluded areas...with just him...well, there's Pikachu and various other Pokémon, but they're all dumb as posts..."

I pause.

"So basically...Professor Oak drags us into secluded areas. Alone."

Vicki and I exchange a glance. There's a very long, awkward silence.

Today, we discovered that some things are just better left unquestioned.

* * *

><p>IcecreamSyndrome<strong>: Glad you're enjoying our misadventures. Pikachu definitely does NOT listen to the things you say very well, if at all. It's funny at first, but after about the eighth time within two minutes that Pikachu doesn't listen, electrocutes you, finds a magnetfeather, or destroys all of your possessions, it tends to be more irritating than amusing... XD Thanks for the encouragement!**


	7. Stick

Today, Pikachu is investigating the trumpet in the bedroom. It's standing next to the side of the bed—or, rather, it's standing half inside it. It's an extremely weird sight to see. A lightbulb appears over its head and Pikachu plays the trumpet. It feels the need to flail in five different directions while it plays the trumpet, and with each movement Pikachu alternates from being half-next-to-half-inside the bed and on top of it. Then it laughs and flings the trumpet towards the other side of the room. Yes, that's just fantastic, Pikachu.

Vicki turns the camera to see where the trumpet went. It didn't get destroyed on its short trip, so we look back at Pikachu. We're not expecting what it's doing and shriek. "Aaaaaah!"

Pikachu is brandishing a stick at us, looking absolutely _demented_. Its eyes are narrowed and it's grinning evilly as it waves the stick in front of the screen. "Pi ka ka ka ka ka!" it laughs as it advances on us.

"God dammit, Pikachu!" I yell at it as Vicki makes the player character run for the door.


	8. Sing

Did you ever notice that if you take a song and change the word "love" to "drug" every time it appears, the song will usually still make sense? Today, Vicki decided to teach Pikachu how replacing "love" with "drug" could make already creepy songs even creepier.

"I drug you…."

Pikachu doesn't hear her because it's distracted by a balloon.

"You drug me…."

Pikachu listens this time and runs over to the player character. It perks its ears up.

"We're a happy family," Vicki tells it very cheerfully.

Pikachu gets a strange look on its face. "Pika pikachu," it sighs as it shakes its head incredulously. After that, it just walks away.

"Won't you say you drug me too?" Vicki yells after it.


	9. Roof

It's a normal day spent playing _Hey You! Pikachu_: Vicki's manning the controls while I sit here on my laptop, writing down the latest mishaps. Vicki's watching Pikachu out in the garden while I'm finishing up.

"Julie…the game says Pikachu is up there." I look up to see the player character staring at the sky. I notice that the game was currently in "Pikachu Mode," which is a camera mode that makes the camera focus on Pikachu. Except we're looking at the sky, just past the edge of the roof, and there is definitely nothing there.

"…Did it die?" I asked. There's that old belief that when you die you go somewhere in the sky, after all. Besides, with all of the stupid things Pikachu does, its death would not come as a shock. We would probably be the responsible party.

Vicki doesn't answer me, just backs up from the side of the house to see where exactly the camera is pointing.

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" we both scream in unison. And while not a particularly normal reaction, it's completely justified, because Pikachu is on the roof. I don't know how the stupid thing got up there, but Pikachu is on the freaking roof.

"Pikachu!" Vicki screams into the microphone. Pikachu chirps its name excitedly and looks at us.

Just then, my other sister Rachel wanders down the stairs. She happily starts to explain, "This sounds like something I need to watch." She notices where Pikachu is and stares at the TV screen. "What the heck?"

"Pikachu, like, levitated onto the roof," I explain. Rachel cracks up and there's a long pause while we wait for her to take a picture of the scene with her cell phone.

"Come here!" Vicki calls to Pikachu. Pikachu shakes its tail at us. "Over here!" Pikachu stares at us. "_Over here!_" Pikachu laughs loudly. After five more attempts to get Pikachu to come down, it ever so calmly walks to the edge of the roof. It steps off, falls, lands on its feet, and continues on its merry way.

"…In real life, that would have been suicide," I comment. "That's kind of traumatic."

"Yeah…," Vicki agrees. She's still in shock.

I watch Pikachu go off to smell the onions. "Pikachu just tried to kill itself. And this game is rated something like ten and under." I sighed. "Poor children! God dammit, Pikachu."


	10. Flower

It's another normal day in the life of Pikachu. It wakes up and proceeds to demolish everything in the room that could possibly be demolished. We've positioned the player character by the bed so we can watch.

One of the first things Pikachu does is walk up to a flowerpot by the door. It picks up the flower and stares at it curiously. Then, instead of smelling it, it eats it, complete with dramatic "eating" sounds.

"_**PIIIIIIIIIIII!**_" Pikachu groans. As this charming noise comes out of Pikachu's mouth, the entire screen shakes violently.

I smack my face with the palm of my hand. "Seriously?"


	11. Bulbasaur

We're at Ochre Woods's river, and that's basically all that's interesting about this trip. Bulbasaur's standing across the river, watching us, and he won't shut up, but the focus isn't (or wasn't) supposed to be on him. We're supposed to be fishing with Pikachu, and just so you know, Pikachu's not very good at it.

A dinky little Magikarp is attached to the line. "Hang in there!" Vicki screams into the microphone, since Pikachu is failing dismally to reel it in. The Magikarp comes ever so slightly closer to shore. "Pull!" Apparently, the fish is still too far out to reel in, and it vanishes with a splashing sound. Professor Oak pops up and tells us that it certainly was a "big one," and it may have been "thirty inches or more."

We've seen several thirty-inch Pokémon in this game, and I can tell you one thing: that was definitely not one of them. "There is _no_ _way_ that thing was thirty inches long," I told the screen. "You don't need to lie to make us feel better, Oak."

"Bulbasaur!" Bulbasaur interrupts as Vicki directs Pikachu to catch another fish. His voice is apparently captured by the microphone while Vicki's talking, and because of that Pikachu misunderstands and releases the fish.

"Thank you, Bulbasaur," I gripe at it.

"Bulbasaur!" it calls out again.

Pikachu hooks another fish, and this time it actually is a big one. Pikachu manages to reel it in by pulling so hard it falls over backwards. It's a fourty-five-inch Magikarp that Pikachu landed, and Vicki and I are (for once) very pleased with our dear electric rodent. Pikachu politely bows to the Magikarp, which is much taller than Pikachu itself.

"Bulbasaur!" Bulbasaur yells as we return to the fishing spot.

"_Thank you_, Bulbasaur," Vicki says pointedly.

The next catch is significantly smaller. It's a twenty-one-inch Goldeen, and it is definitely smaller than Pikachu. Pikachu turns to look at it. "Pika!" it gasps as it stumbles backwards out of shock.

"So it was completely unfazed by the huge Magikarp, but this Goldeen scares it?" I wonder out loud. "That makes no sense."

"Bulbasaur!" Bulbasaur agrees.

"_Thank you, Bulbasaur!_" I snap.

We caught another Magikarp.

"Bulbasaur!"

"Stop that!"

Pikachu reels in a Krabby.

"Bulbasaur!"

"Seriously! Stop talking!"

Pikachu catches another Goldeen.

"Bulbasaur!"

"_Shut up!_"

Our last catch of the day is another Magikarp.

"Bulbasaur!" Bulbasaur announces for the umpteenth time.

"Make it stop!" I yell. This Bulbasaur is giving me a migraine.

"Pikaaaachuuuu!" I look up at the screen to see Pikachu excitedly waving at Bulbasaur.

"No! No, Pikachu, no! Don't encourage it!" I scream at the television.

"Bulbasaur!"

"Pikaaaachuuuu!"

I slam my head into the back of my chair. "Just kill me now."


	12. Banana

Upon the start of a wonderful brand new day (as opposed to the day before, which ended five seconds previously), Pikachu is wide awake. We wait in the bedroom for awhile, hoping Pikachu would get bored and start throwing tissues around. Instead, something weird happens.

"Pika," Pikachu says as it bends down to pick up a banana on the bedroom floor. It waddles over to the player character and looks up very sadly. And stares. Holding this banana.

"Um, is it okay?" I ask Vicki. Vicki shrugs. Neither of us have seen Pikachu do this before.

This staring contest continues for at least thirty seconds, and that isn't an exaggeration. The whole time, Pikachu looks severely depressed.

"Awwww, Pikachu!" I say sympathetically.

"I know!" Vicki replied. "I feel so bad!" Yeah, we're strange people, feeling bad for a virtual creature.

"Well, what does it want?" I wonder.

At a complete loss, Vicki suggests, "The banana?"

"But it already _has_ the banana!" I point out. Pikachu is still clutching it in its virtual paws.

After another thirty seconds of silence, Pikachu finally speaks up. "Pika pika," Pikachu whines as it waves its arms. The banana remains magically attached to its right paw.

"Yes, I know you have the banana," Vicki says into the microphone.

The speech bubble bounces off Pikachu's head as Pikachu flattens its ears to its head very sadly and frowns even more deeply. Then, with a completely blank facial expression, Pikachu throws the banana up in the air. And walks away.

Vicki and I stare after it. "Um…okay then?"


	13. Mushroom

Another day, another chance for mental trauma.

"Pika!" Pikachu exclaims from beside the bed as it grabs the trumpet from about two feet away. For once, it does not try to eat it or smell it, and actually plays music.

"This is a moment that will go down in history," I solemnly announce. Vicki nods, rolling her eyes.

In the meantime, Pikachu tosses the trumpet aside (it hits something and dissolves) and then turns to face the bed. It reaches inside, then quite happily shows us that it has a mushroom.

"Where did it get a mushroom, especially from there?" Vicki wonders, just as Pikachu eats it. There is a moment of silence. Then, all of a sudden, it goes berserk and runs around the room wildly. We set the game on Pikachu mode (which keeps the camera focused on Pikachu) and watch as it circles the room over and over. It finally stops, makes a strange flailing gesture at us, and then stares wide-eyed at a marble on a shelf as if it were some horrible monster just waiting for the kill.

"Seems Pikachu has been keeping a stash of hallucinogens under the bed...," I say slowly. This game definitely had some of the weirdest crap in it...


	14. Noise

It's another uneventful day spent with Pikachu—so uneventful, in fact, and Vicki and I have decided to experiment with an app on Vicki's iPhone, which plays various sound effects.

In a mock announcer's voice, complete with strange accent, and holding an imaginary microphone, I tell no one in particular, "We're here in the great wilderness called Ochre Woods, observing Pikachu on its quest to cruelly stab hooks through its Pokémon brethren."

"And it seems Pikachu has found itself a fine specimen!" Vicki adds, playing along. The "fine specimen" in question is a Goldeen, which Pikachu is failing miserably to land. Vicki holds her iPhone in one hand together with the game's microphone, and with the other holds down the "talk" button. The iPhone emits the sound of a gunshot. Pikachu apparently interprets the sound as a command to reel it in, because the dramatic fish-catching animation plays and we land a decently-sized Goldeen.

In the meantime, Vicki is on the ground practically convulsing with laughter. I have to admit, it _was_ pretty funny.

Pikachu, luckily, hooked a lot of fish, so we tried quite a few sounds. Seems that flushing toilets means "release the fish," and crying means "flail around helplessly until something happens." However, Pikachu caught fish at the sound of a siren, rifle, and a trumpet.

"It responds better to the stupid noises than to us!" I lament as Professor Oak gives us the rundown of our day and we see that we caught more fish than we had when we spoke actual words to the stupid rat. It was funny and all, but seriously?

Thanks a lot, Pikachu...


	15. Haunter

I will readily admit that, as a kid, Olivine Lake scared the crap out of me. The object of the stage was to help Pikachu find five Poliwag who were lost in a maze of a boardwalk, which sounds sweet of Pikachu and not at all traumatic (other than the usual Pikachu-induced traumas). However, the way my young mind saw it, there was more than enough nightmare fuel. It was foggy and you couldn't clearly see where you were going, so zombies could quite possibly rise up out of the lake to eat the player character without you even knowing it. (I had an overactive imagination.) It played significantly less happy music than any other stage in the game, which equated to death. The way the game phrased the mission made it seem that the Poliwag you didn't find before the day was over would just up and die, their bodies never to be recovered like one of those depressing missing child stories, and the mother Poliwhirl wouldn't even care and just forget about her poor dead children floating in a bush somewhere out on the marsh/lake. And last but certainly not least, there were Haunter that constantly popped up behind you to scare off all the Poliwag you collected.

The stage is significantly less creepy nowadays, though. Vicki and I easily spot Poliwag halfway across the lake and marvel about how much easier this was now that we were older and less easily creeped out. Pikachu, of course, is just meandering along the boardwalk as if we were in a lovely spring field rather than a creepy lake and had nothing better to do than look at the sky, despite being the one to sign us up for Poliwag hunting in the first place. It completely ignores the group of four Poliwag walking so closely behind it that they're shoving their heads and faces inside Pikachu's and each other's butts. Only one more to find until we can all go home—hip, hip, hooray!

"We haven't checked for Haunter in a while," I comment as Vicki moves the player character along the boardwalk. We tend to get a bit nervous on the final stretch. It really sucks when you're this close to being done and a Haunter ruins it all, so Vicki and I made it a habit to check the surroundings every once in a while.

"You're right," Vicki agrees. Pikachu and its duckling-Poliwags are walking in front, so and there's nothing we can see coming from that area, so Vicki puts the camera into view mode and looks behind us.

To get the full scope of what we saw, imagine that your monitor is a TV screen. Picture it completely purple because the Haunter is so close behind you. Then paste huge Haunter eyes and its grin onto the purple screen, imagine it wailing "HAUUUUUNTER!" and you'll be experiencing in an imaginary sense exactly what was behind us.

Needless to say, we practically went into cardiac arrest when greeted with that and screamed. I would tell you exactly what I was thinking at the time, but it was mostly various words that would raise the rating of this story significantly. Not only that, but Pikachu got startled as well and screamed its name and all the Poliwag started yelping "Poli! Poli! Poli!" as they ran away in different directions. I'm fairly certain a neighbor who happened to be outside at the time glanced at our sliding glass door wondering why two teenage girls were screaming like they were being murdered.

"Holy—oh my god—what the ****?" I finally shouted when I had recovered enough that I could breathe and didn't think my heart was actually going to stop.


End file.
